how does love feel ?
WARNING: this entry is rated 'FB' for FUCKING BORING!! get the fuck
outta here !
there have been 2 girls i ever liked. The first was during my last year in
kindergarten,the second during my 2nd year of elementary school. I never liked anyone ever
since.
I eventually became friends with the first girl i liked, and we spent a lot of time bonding
togheter in
elementary school. Once middle school rolled around, she completely started to ignore me. I kept
trying to be friends with her, talking to her and searching for anything to talk about. I dont
remember our conversations but im very sure i wasnt a brilliant conversations partner. She once
told my friend that i was a very funny person, and it felt good, but sooner or later i guess i
started missing my mark, and i was the only one still searching for a connection. During that
time, i started hanging out outside, like all kids eventually do. I clearly remember not liking
the experience, it felt awkward, i felt nervous, i felt unheard, unneeded, boring, generally a
nuisance for those around me. But i still tried ! Yet, one evening, i talked to that same girl.
I dont remember what i told her, but she told something to me that has stuck around to this very
day-"who the hell has ever given a damn about you? Oh well, in elementary school, yes, i did.
But i don't know you."
A normal person reaction to this would be one of anger, a normal
person would blame her and defend themselves, but i didn't. Maybe it's because i have had other
experiences that reinforced inside me the belief that im bad, worthless incapable, but my
reaction to this was saying "im sorry". She didnt even hear me, since i apologized with a
whisper- i felt small like an ant. After that, i decided i didn't like to hang out anymore.
That summer, stuff with my mom happened. Fast forward a few months and i decided i would never
speak to her again, and to this day, 10 years later, i still havent. I think this was a big part
in changing my relationship with women-- i felt betrayed and hurt, and because of that i felt
abandoned by her. As a shield, i started getting detached from other people; i wouldnt get too
close, because if i did and things went wrong, i would get hurt again, and feel that same awful
feeling i felt before. If i dont grow close to people, i cant be hurt by them.
This is why i
cant feel love or infatuation anymore, i feel stone cold inside, and it makes me feel awful. I
dont understand how do you tear down a brick wall that you spent a decade building up when
you're bare-handed. During highschool, a girl was interested in me. I was BEWILDERED, because in
my tiny littler mind i couldnt even process the thought of a girl finding interest in ME. And i
remember thinking "what the hell is wrong with her? why me of all people?". I decided to give it
a shot, but our conversations were INCREDIBLY awkard, so much so that i dreaded going to school
in the morning. Eventually she stopped saying hi back to me, and i blamed myself as always.
Because of this, the other 2 times where a girl confessed to me i immediatly rejected them: on
one hand i didn't want to make them waste their time with me, on the other i didnt like
them. And thats what im missing-- the feeling of liking people. Of being interested in them. And
i've been waiting like a moron for some sort of manic pixie dream girl to just barge in my life
and sort of 'unlock' me. That wont happen of course, and i feel dumb (and weak) just thinking
about it. But i really feel like the only way to make me love people again is finding someone
else who can pique my curiosity just enough to make me scream from the other side of my wall-
and the other person screaming back at me, from the other side. I want to be okay. For now, im
here
